Don’t Give Up

Hang in there! You can do it! Excuse me while I go vomit. These are all expressions that I hate to hear in early recovery. If people only knew what was happening in my mind when the phenomenon of craving took over, the obsession and the insanity of an itch you can never satisfy. Addiction is such an imposter – it is dormant, waiting for the opportunity to catch you with your guard down – and then when everything is perfect, I start romancing the drug. Glorifying the lifestyle and making it look appealing. Truth is, I was one hit or one sip away from a tragedy. My body was shutting down and if I continue in that world, I strongly believe that I will not make it to my 40th birthday.

On paper, I am doing great. I just got a new job. I was accepted into Charis Bible College, I met an amazing person, my family is good, and I don’t need anything right now. This is a dangerous place for me because I am the biggest offender of self-sabotage. I am waiting on some paychecks to start my journey with God. I keep hearing his voice telling me “just get there, just get there, just get there”. I am literally a week or two away from starting this amazing journey I am about to go on and my addiction is SCREAMING at me. All of a sudden I have all these triggers that I never knew I had.

Addiction is spiritual warfare at its finest. It doesn’t want me to go to Bible College because the chances of me picking up again will diminish greatly when I am surrounded by God’s people and God’s word 24/7. My life will become my testimony and I can help so many people. My addiction knows this and it is trying so hard to pull me back in. This time I am fighting with my life. I haven’t lived my life yet, I just survived it.

The great thing about God is that he will meet me where I am at. I believe in angels and angel numbers. An angel number to me is when I see numbers repeat with time. Today, I so happened to look at the clock and it was 3:33 pm. God’s message to me almost brought tears of relief and joy when I deciphered the message he had delivered with these numbers.

According to some website I found on Google, seeing the number 333 indicates it’s time for me to evolve spiritually, know the purpose for my life, and get ready for some changes. It says I am at a point to accept new things and leave old things behind. Most importantly, it says I will see myself as a new person, better than before.

In recovery, they say don’t quit before the miracle happens. With God on my side, I am stronger than any attempt addiction tries to get me back. It is hard, but it will be worth it in the end. So hang in there – don’t talk to God about how big your problems are, talk to your problems about how big your God is. Let him meet you where you are, you are not alone. Not now, not ever.