Being Vulnerable…

That is what I hate to do. In active addiction and in my life in general, I always have to keep my guard up and always have to keep it together. Everyone else can fall apart but I can’t. I travel around by myself, so for my personal safety, I have to be tough, strong, and vigilant. Ready to move on a dime and when shit does happen, how I conduct myself afterward is a matter of life and death. There is a saying in recovery that if the addiction doesn’t kill you, the lifestyle will and I am no stranger to that.

In recovery now I am seen as the girl that has it all together. The car, the friends, the job, the family, etc. To be honest, I don’t have anything together. My emotions are all over the place and my mind has fleeting thoughts of the good times of the past – never the bad times. I wish I could have all the effects of drugs without the lifestyle, the consequences, or the death sentence that they come with.

Every day I wake up with a smile on my face and pretend everything is going great. But am I really doing it to show that I have things together for other people or am I doing this so I don’t have to really take a good hard look at myself? Admitting that you’re struggling is not a sign of weakness, as I so thought.

As I’m sitting in church, God spoke to me. Next thing you know, tears run down my face as I finally allow myself to be honest with God about the struggle I am experiencing. I was bored, had too much time on my hands, and my mind kept glorifying drugs. I told God what I needed and within 24 hours, I was offered a job to fill my time with. When we seek out God, he is always listening, and if we ask he will provide. Having the new job allowed me to finally apply for Bible School – and the wheels of my future started turning once again – I am no longer stuck.

God is also ready to move on a dime when you need him. All you have to do is ask and believe and He will take care of the rest. Today I am longer chasing drugs, I am chasing dreams. If He can do it for me, He can do it for you!